


Finding Home

by gibbsandtonysbabe



Category: NCIS
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-20
Updated: 2016-12-20
Packaged: 2018-09-09 23:43:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8918239
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gibbsandtonysbabe/pseuds/gibbsandtonysbabe
Summary: Life is full of surprises and  it can throw you for a loop. Tony must work through his own doubts and demons and finally share his newly uncovered desire with Jethro, along the way they both remember that together they can do anything.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [geminiangel](https://archiveofourown.org/users/geminiangel/gifts).



Lugging the last of the boxes out of the basement Tony began to wonder if there was some sort of breeding program because there sure as hell were more boxes than last year. Of course he was fairly certain he had the same thought last year as well.

 

Smiling he began to organize the boxes, remembering just how this started. He certainly wasn’t what could be called a willing participant, but it had meant so much to Jethro that he readily agreed.

 

It wasn’t that he hadn’t wanted to help out, but more along the lines of he had trepidations considering that all of his past experiences with kids had left him feeling more like an alien from another planet. Tony wasn’t sure how to act around kids, which shouldn’t be a big surprise as he never really got to be a kid. 

 

He had more than made up for that these past years by buying and playing with more toys than he ever could have imagined. More importantly, playing with the kids had helped open up something within him that he hadn’t known existed. 

 

There was so much he had learned from spending time at the Children’s Home, and over the years found that he was here more often than anyone would have expected. But now it felt like he wanted more and it wasn’t something that he could put into words; it was more of a feeling. 

 

He needed to talk to someone.

 

*****************************************************

 

There was a hint of early winter hanging in the air. He loved this time of year with the colors, the crisp air, and the feeling that anything was possible. 

 

Tony climbed out of his car and took a deep breath, grinning when he spotted Ducky waving to him. Feeling better already, he quickly made his way to his old friend. 

 

Smelling the aroma of the freshly roasted beans, Tony managed to move a bit faster. It had been far too long since he had stopped here for a cuppa. Tony was certain most people wouldn’t believe that Ducky was the one who had introduced him to The Beanery. Apparently, the Scotsman had a guilty pleasure of forsaking his beloved tea for a cup of Joe on occasion.

 

“Thanks for meeting me, Ducky,” Tony says as he slides into the booth across from the good doctor.

 

“Of course Anthony, I am always pleased to make time to meet with you. I dare say it has been far too long since we have made time to sit down together and have a conversation.”

 

“Far too long. I miss being able to head down to Autopsy and being able to chat, maybe have a cup of tea. I love Jimbo like a brother, but it just isn’t the same.” Grinning at the man across from him, “He doesn’t tell any good stories yet either.” 

“Well Mr. Palmer is still young, and right now quite busy with work and his beautiful girls. I do concur with you Anthony, though I have immensely enjoyed the traveling I have done and being able to explore different interests. I too miss seeing everyone. We must endeavor to make time for one another. Perhaps we should plan on a family dinner in the upcoming week?”

 

“Absolutely. We can have it at our place and I can cook Bolognese and maybe some Clams Casino.” 

 

Smiling, Ducky sipped his coffee as he motioned the waitress over. “Let's order and then we shall be able to converse.”

 

Tony shook his head while chuckling. “You have always been able to read me, Ducky.”

 

“Comes with age and experience, my boy. Though I dare say I haven’t seen you in such a contemplative state since you came to me regarding your burgeoning feelings concerning Jethro. Should I be concerned?”

 

Tony hastened to reassure his friend. “No. We are definitely great. He is still bastard on occasion, and I still love him despite that. Finally opening up to the man and then marrying him was definitely the best thing I have ever done. I don’t think I can ever thank you enough for encouraging me to open up to him.”

 

“Think nothing of it, my dear boy. I was just an impartial bystander that could clearly see that you two were struggling and not knowing how to approach one another. I am just pleased that I was able to do that, the two of you are definitely good for one another.”

 

“But, I digress. I suspect that you have asked me here because there is something praying on your mind that you would like to share.” 

 

Pausing in his response as the food was placed on their table, Tony took a deep breath. “There is, Ducky. I have been feeling like I want more…that’s not quite it. I love Jet, our life and my job. I know that I certainly am not lacking in happiness.”

 

“But every time I go and help out at the Children’s Home I feel like there is something missing…a space that needs to be filled. Not to make me complete, but to add to what I already have. I have never, and I do mean never, felt that I should be a father. It never seemed to be something that I wanted or needed and I do know that a great deal of that was brought on by my own illustrious upbringing.”

 

“I guess I wanted to insure that if there was such thing as a cycle that it stopped with me, and I never wanted my father to have a part in any child of mine whatsoever. But when I see Jet with the kids, and when I play ball with Jason or even sit through a tea party with Alicia I see it all differently.”

 

“I just don’t know whether this is just some imaginary ‘biological clock’” Tony’s fingers in the air giving the well known quoting gesture emphasizing his words,” or a real desire that I have. I can’t and won’t share this with Jet unit I know where my head is because I just can’t spring it on him.”

 

“I have always felt that helping out at the home was Jet's way of having time with kids without actually having a child himself. I would never want to put him in any position of feeling like he was replacing Kelly.” 

 

Tony's eyes seemed to implore his friend for some magical answer, needing and wanting to do what felt right for himself, Jet and future possibilities. Ducky’s face pensive as he gathered his thoughts and carefully chose his words.

 

“Anthony, you are one of the finest young men I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. You have integrity, compassion, and empathy, and would give anyone the shirt off your back if they had a need. You, my friend, accomplished that all on your own without any parental guidance.”

 

“You are who you are because of your strong beliefs and a desire to do the right thing. I have no doubt whatsoever that if you and Jethro decided to bring a child into your home that it would be the most loved, cared for, nurtured, and lucky child that has ever existed.”

 

“Both of you have an amazing capacity to open your hearts. That, my boy, is in part what makes you as successful as you are in your investigations. You put yourself in their shoes and stop at nothing to bring the families closure.”

 

“I believe that if you decide that this is something that you want and talk it over with Jethro, you might find that he himself is feeling as you are. I don’t think for a moment the pain has fully diminished from the loss of his girls, but I do believe that these past few years he has reached a bit of peace and would be open to adding to your family.”

 

“What is in your heart, Anthony? I feel that something has touched you deeply to bring you to this point?” 

 

Tony felt at that moment he understood what he had been unable to put into words. When the words started pouring out there was no stopping them. It felt like an eruption of dreams that he had never known existed, buried so deep they more than likely would have stayed that way without Jethro.

 

“I go to the home, Ducky, and I play with the kids. I see their smiles and laugh with them, but when I sit with Alicia I feel so drawn to her. I want to protect her from everything I have seen in my career. I want to hold her and comfort her when the monsters under the bed come out.”

 

“I want to have tea parties until I am ready to burst.” Tony took a deep breath as he struggled to put his thoughts together. “I have never felt that way before - ever. I never expected this and I have no fucking idea where it is coming from.”

 

“I see how Jethro’s heart in his eyes when he opens up about Kelly, and God help me I want that too, and I want it with him. And then there is Jason. I play ball with all of them and I love every second of it, but I want to share all the things with Jason that I imagine I missed - playing in the park, riding bikes and just laughing together over stupid stuff.”

 

“Lately I've felt like I was going crazy as all these thoughts swirled in my head. At first I thought maybe I was just feeling out of sorts because so much has changed lately. Tim and Dee are getting married, Ellie is expecting and not certain she is coming back, and even Abs has finally thought about settling down with Eric.”

 

“I am thrilled for all the great things that are happening around me, and you know how much I love Jet, but I want us to have more. I want us to have that family that somewhere in the back of my mind I imagined. I can honestly say that I don’t believe I would ever have wanted this with anyone else.”

 

“Jet makes me want these things and I am so damn afraid of telling him. So tell me Ducky, what the hell am I supposed to do?” Grabbing his coffee, desperate to maintain some semblance of calm when he was anything but, needing and hoping that Ducky had some of his ever present advice to share with him.

 

“What you say my boy, is simple. You tell Jethro what you have been feeling and what you have entertained.” Ducky held up his hand to stop the younger man from interjecting. “You and Jethro have always had a foundation built on trust, respect, and love, not to sound too trite here.” 

 

“You have had each other six for more years than most. You started as friends, which eventually led to more, and were married in front of your closest friends, who I dare say are more like family. I have no doubt in my mind that when you open your heart and share this with him he will see the picture that you just now painted for me with your words.” 

 

“Trust in yourself my boy and trust in Jethro.” 

 

*********************************************************

 

After talking with Ducky, Tony still felt unsettled. Everything he never thought he wanted became the one thing he desired most, and he had no idea how to come to terms with that. Add his fears regarding his own ability to be a father and his worry that this whole idea would bring Jethro unmeasurable pain just added to the overall feeling.

 

So here he stood, outside of Abby's house hoping that she might be able to help him find his way home. Ducky had given him a great deal to think about and frankly that is all that he has been doing.

 

Tony walked up the stoop in front of the old Victorian home, smiling at the small wooden skulls adorning the eaves, and knocked on the door. Abby had managed to put her own stamp on the house and it worked. 

 

“Tony, are you going to just stand out here?” Abby asked, concern clearly written on her face.

 

Tony jumps – startled by Abby's sudden appearance. “Sorry Abs, just sort of lost in thought. Can we talk?”

 

Pulling him into a patented Abby hug she whispered, “Always. Come on inside and lay it on me.” Pushing Tony over to the couch she sat beside him. “What’s on your mind?”

 

Sighing, he gathered his jumbled thoughts quietly spoke. “I want kids Abs, specifically two kids from the children’s home.” He stood up and started pacing.

 

“All I do is think about bringing them home, Jet and I becoming their parents, and doing parent things. But then I start doubting that I could even…should even think that way. Why should I be a parent? Would I pass on my shitty childhood to them?”

 

“And what about Jet? Am I an asshole for even thinking about this?” Tony nervously ran his hands through his hair while Abby watched him silently. “I mean seriously Abs, my father is a con man, my mother was an alcoholic, and until Jet came along I was a commitment phobe after the whole Wendy fiasco.”

 

“More than once I have been told I am a screw up and I am not so sure I disagree. But I have never been more scared in my life of not doing something. I feel like that if I don’t talk to Jet and take a chance that we will be missing out on something amazing.”

 

“How can I be so attached to something that I have no right to be? How can I be so scared and excited at the same time ? I feel like I am going to jump out of my skin half the time.” His green eyes bore into hers desperate for some guidance, assurance, or sanity. He just wasn’t sure whether any would be forth coming.

 

Abby patted the empty space beside her, grabbing Tony's hand as he sat down. “Tony, first off I need to tell you that you are nothing like your father and personally I believe that you would be a spectacular dad,” her eyes never leaving his as she continued.

 

“You asking these questions, worrying about my Silver Fox’s feelings, and your general concerns about your past tell the story. I know that you don’t see that yet, Tony, but hear me out.” 

 

Seeing the doubt in his eyes, she pressed on. “When you ask the questions and worry about everything else it shows that you are ready and more than capable.”

 

“You would and have given up your comfort to help another, and you would be a great role model for any child. You, my friend, would show them unconditional love and acceptance, loyalty and honor. Between you and Gibbs there is nothing they wouldn’t be able to do or accomplish.”

 

“Don’t let Senior take this away from you; he has taken too much already. You more than deserve this as well as your other half.”

 

“How do I ask Jet, Abs?” Tony's expression pained and his voice desperate. 

 

Placing her hand over his heart as she answered. “You speak from here. The words will come.” 

 

“I don’t want to hurt him or lose him.” His green eyes watering. He so wanted to believe that Ducky and Abby were right and that Jet would want this as much as he did. He had to believe and hold on to that.

 

Abby gave a soft smile. “Never going to happen, trust me. Think about what it took for you two to get together, all the things that you went through, and you know how your silver fox is; he plays for keeps. There is nothing that you could do to change his mind.” 

 

“Did you ever think that maybe he wants the same thing and doesn’t know how he feels about it? You aren’t the only one that sees the two of you when you play with the kids. You need to talk to him and tell him everything you shared with me.” 

 

Hugging the older man as she whispered in his ear. 

 

“You’re gonna be a great dad.”

 

*****************************************************

 

Jethro watched as Tony dusted the same shelf for the third time before finally speaking, deciding to take a safe route rather than jump right in and asking what was bothering him. “Tone, you getting hungry?”

 

Nearly jumping out of his skin, the younger man turned to look behind him. “Shit Jet, I’m too young to die dusting.”

 

Smirking at Tony, he winked. “Too good looking, too.”

 

Looking into the blue eyes that belonged to the man he loved, Tony knew he needed to have the conversation. “Jet, can I talk to you? I have something that I have been thinking about for a while. I have wanted to talk to you, but there never seems to be a right time. Not sure if it is now or not, but I am ready…I think.”

 

Pulling the younger man into his arms and kissing his temple gently. “Whenever you’re ready to talk, I am always ready to listen.” 

 

“It’s big Jet. Surprised me and scares me too.” Taking a deep breath and steeling his nerves, Tony blurts out quickly. “I want us to adopt Jason and Alicia. I want to bring them home. I want us to be their dads. I want to do so many things with them that I never imagined doing.” 

 

He continued, his voice barely a whisper, “But I don’t want to hurt you. I love you and I know what you lost, and God knows I would never intentionally cause you more pain. I just…I just see you and I with them, together, being a family and bringing them here - home.”

 

Tony looked up, praying that his words were not causing pain as he continued. “I know this is out of left field and certainly not what you probably expected to come out of my mouth. Honestly it surprised me too. I just…I just want this, Jet.”

 

Holding onto the younger man was all that kept Jethro standing. As much as a shock as it was to hear, it wasn’t as surprising as he would have believed. It was something that he could admit had crossed his own mind when he allowed it to go there. But, was it something that he could do?

 

He had come a long way in dealing with the pain, grief and guilt of Shannon’s and Kelly’s deaths, and it was mostly due to the man he currently in his arms. Because of Tony he had given love another chance and found more than he had bargained for. But to bring a child or children into his heart - his home - was frightening.

 

He could see the picture that Tony painted, their life shared with kids and he so wanted to reach out and grab it. He knew that he was being offered a gift, the question would be could he accept it?

 

“I am glad you finally told me. I've known that something was bothering you for weeks now, just didn’t know what it was. Honestly, I am not as surprised as I think I should be. Maybe that's because I have seen you with the kids, the time that you've spent playing with them. I have seen you interact and watched as you opened up around them.”

 

“You are not your father, Tony. You're nothing like him at all and I have no doubt the kind of dad you would be. If you want to know what I think about adopting, I have mixed feelings. God I want to Tony - I want that more than I can ever explain, but if I can do that, I don’t know.”

 

“When I am at the home I feel like it is possible. I feel them there with me, encouraging me to move on there, too. But to open up to that…” Gibbs shrugs.

 

“I know Jet, believe me. I have gone over this in my head for a long time. Talked with Ducky, with Abby … not sure whether I wanted them to encourage or discourage me.” Shaking his head as he let out a nervous laugh. “I am still not quite sure, and I am scared as hell for us to do it and yet terrified that if we don’t that we will be making a huge mistake.”

 

Jethro pulled the younger man with him to the couch to sit down. “That was exactly how I felt when Shannon told me we were going to have a baby.” A small smile ghosted across his face. “I was terrified, excited, and unbelievably happy all at the same time.”

 

“I didn’t know whether to laugh or run away screaming half of the time. I was worried that I would screw it all up. Shannon just kept telling me we would be fine, that no one knew how to be a parent until they were one.”

 

“She sent me to the couch when I wanted to stop her from doing…well just about everything.”

 

Tony chuckled. “I can see you wanting to wrap her in bubble wrap.”

 

Jethro grinned. “The thought crossed my mind, but I was starting to believe her threats of building me a permanent dog house.”

 

“Bet you scared the nurses when she was ready to have Kelly.”

 

“I may have glared at them a bit, especially seeing her in pain. That was not something I was prepared for. But when they placed Kelly in my arms I was a goner. I loved her more than I could have imagined. Shannon just had that self-satisfied look on her face because she was right.”

 

“I wish they were still here Jet, and I would give them back to you if I could.” Grabbing the older man’s hand. “Thank you for sharing them with me.” 

 

“They would love you. Shannon would talk your ears off and I am sure Kelly would have you wrapped around her little finger.” He laughed. “Hell, that’s where she had me.” Feeling lighter than he had in a while, Jethro thought about everything Tony had said and what it could mean for them.

 

“Let’s think about this for a little bit. If we do this it is forever and I want to make sure we are ready for that. It might mean some job changes and life adjustments, and there are a few things we'd need to work out.” Blue eyes met green. “It’s not a no, Tony, just need to give it some deeper thought.

 

*********************************************

The sound of laughter was all the warning he received before a blond missile landed on his stomach, thankfully missing his important bits.

 

“Daaaaaaddddyyyyy…Santa came!!!!” Her sweet singsong voice filled with excitement making Tony smile.

 

“And how would you know that my little sneak?” 

 

“I didn’t go downstairs, but I looked from the top stair and saw PRESENTS!!”

 

Jethro turned on his side and cocked an eyebrow. “Do you think they're for you? Maybe they’re for me. I have been a good boy.”

 

“Papa G, you’re not a boy, you’re all grown up.” Tilting her head and chewing on her lip in concentration. “But you have been good so I am sure Santa left something for you too.” Smiling brightly at Tony as she bounced in excitement. “And you too Daddy and Jason.”

 

Tony laughed. “So we have a house full of well-behaved people. Awesome!! Maybe Santa brought me that new food processor so I can make us some goodies.” Bringing his fingers up to tickle her ribs, their bedroom was filled with giggles.

 

“Or we could just stay in bed and let the tickle monster have fun,” Jethro said, grinning widely at Tony and Alicia. 

 

Suddenly, Jason came running into the room. “Nooooooo…tell the tickle monster he can play another time, it’s Christmas.” His pouty little face pleading with his dads.

 

“Well Tone, he does have a point….”

 

Tony tried to keep a straight face. “But you know how I love the tickle monster.”

 

Jason climbed up on the bed and looked at his dad with as much sincerity as a child could muster. “I promise Dad, he can play another day.” Nodding his head as he held out his pinky. “Pinky swear”

 

Tony joined his pinky with the much smaller one and grinned. “Ok, tickle monster will take a day off.” Pulling the boy down for a hug, he announced, “Let’s go downstairs and see just how good we were.” 

 

Swinging his legs over the side of the bed, [Tony snatched up the two precious packages and headed for the door. 

 

“Come on Papa G, I’ll put the coffee on,” Tony called over his shoulder.

 

Watching the three of them leave the bedroom, Jethro couldn’t imagine their life any differently. It had taken them nearly a year to get here from the time Tony had come to him, but it was worth every challenge they had encountered. 

 

The moment they decided this was what they wanted, they made all the necessary changes. Jethro retired from NCIS, and for all the worry that had caused him it turned out to be the best thing for him. He was there for the kids and still volunteered at the Children's Home while they were in school. 

 

Tony was offered the position of SAC but opted instead to transfer to the newly formed Cold Case Unit. The hours were more regular and less likely to interfere with life and what he considered important. He still was able to help people gain closure but with less risk.

 

Life had definitely changed, and as he heard the sound of laughter downstairs Jethro knew that that this was what it was all about. Through Tony he had learned to live and love again, and opened his heart to accept the gifts of children. The four of them had finally found a home, and that was definitely worth celebrating.

**Author's Note:**

> Many thanks to my most awesome Beta, Mary. She was a great support and kept me going when I thought I couldn't do it and trust me I needed it! It has been awhile.
> 
>  
> 
> I own nothing of NCIS and certainly make no money from this. I am only taking them out for a bit and will return them later after they have had a bit of fun


End file.
